The Zen of Mamahood

So, I actually totally forgot about this blog until a friend asked me about it. I have been consumed by my life that I hardly have time to process it enough in my head, let alone write it out in some comprehensive passage for someone (maybe) to read. Aiy...but, I was lying in bed a second ago trying to relax, giving myself ten minutes to rest. Ten minutes of silence...and of course, there is no silence...my own voice in my head is so loud, cyclical and nauseating...I decided to bring my internal ramble to you.

So, the latest repetitive thought in my mind is how do I slow down and just be. How do I just embrace this moment as it is...stop reviewing the past, stop planning and belly aching about the future...just be here. A true yogi embrace. How do I get there when I am so f'n crazy? So, first there is acceptance then there is peace and then breathing and acceptance and breathing and acceptance but then all of a sudden I feel lost and a little apathetic. How do you balance a detest of apathy and the need for the here and now. Isn't action all about looking to the future? How can I be an active person - s0cially, intellectually, civically, physically, while not thinking about the future, not thinking about the fruits of my labor....or lack thereof? Here in lies the question.


And I am also in a parenting conundrum. I have an extremely strong minded, strong willed little four year old boy. He knows what he wants and if he doesn't get it he will not bend. He will throw himself down and lose it with no return. He will not listen to me. I feel completely helpless in these situations. I feel confused about how it is that I am this child's mother and he does not listen to what I say. I am not trying to win for the sake of winning, I am not trying to stop him from sharing his own views...but how in the world do you get a child to just allow a parent to lead. How do you institute that uggghhh, respect. I hate the concept of "respect thy elders". It sounds so militaristic and harsh. But I also agree with the concept. There are things to be said for age, wisdom and experience. How do we teach our young that without squelshing their own independence and the beauty of youthful, un-jaded thought?

How do I change the behavior of a four year old when I am stuck in my own rut? Ahhh...do you see the reflection of myself in that little, young soul. We are two peas in a pod.