Everything But The Beer.

Ahh, Sorry. Forgot about this blog again. But, I do so appreciate the feedback for those of you that have read. It feels comforting.

So, summer went and flew by. I know people all say this. But for me, I am truly left spinning in circles like a cartoon sideswiped by a road runner. It's October. WHAT???!! It blindsided me. All of a sudden, life is just passing me by. No, I am not sitting idly watching it either. I am ridiculously busy. Well, at least today I was. I was trying on the "super mom" cape for sure. Not so sure how well it fits as I was going to not have my ritual beer at the end of the night, but I basically felt like I had no choice. I was beat, and the little love buckets were not letting up.

Here's what I did today: I woke up at 6am and did a circuit training routine. I checked my email, made coffee and then little Ruby woke up. A snuggle time with her and then up to wake up big brother and daddy to get ready for school. I feed both kids, get them dressed, scarf something down myself and then off to school they go. I proceed to clean out Rex's room of all unused toys and toys that annoy me...(you know, the ones...the fair prize stuffed animals, plastic battery operated Elmos, etc..) I put together three bags and there is no real change in the room. When the heck did I become so materialistic that I can fill three gosh darn garbage bags with toys and not make a dent in my consumerism?? gross. Anyway...then I vacuumed upstairs, vacuumed downstairs, cleaned out toy boxes downstairs, did the dishes, dropped off library books, dropped off all of the items I was getting rid of at the YWCA, went grocery shopping, made and ate lunch with Ruby, put Ruby to bed, went next door and put a primer coat of paint on the wall, cleaned up, changed my clothes, picked up Rex from school, came home, washed the dishes (again), got the kids involved in making a graham cracker pie crust, made a pumpkin pie, chatted with an old friend who stopped by, made homemade pizza with the kids, made granola bars with the kids, got them ready for bed, red books, left the rooms...three minutes later...Rex is crying. He needs company. He doesn't want to be alone. I am losing my mind. I grab a beer. So...that's how it went. That was my day. I am pretty certain this will not be my daily routine. Well, everything but the beer.

The Zen of Mamahood

So, I actually totally forgot about this blog until a friend asked me about it. I have been consumed by my life that I hardly have time to process it enough in my head, let alone write it out in some comprehensive passage for someone (maybe) to read. Aiy...but, I was lying in bed a second ago trying to relax, giving myself ten minutes to rest. Ten minutes of silence...and of course, there is no silence...my own voice in my head is so loud, cyclical and nauseating...I decided to bring my internal ramble to you.

So, the latest repetitive thought in my mind is how do I slow down and just be. How do I just embrace this moment as it is...stop reviewing the past, stop planning and belly aching about the future...just be here. A true yogi embrace. How do I get there when I am so f'n crazy? So, first there is acceptance then there is peace and then breathing and acceptance and breathing and acceptance but then all of a sudden I feel lost and a little apathetic. How do you balance a detest of apathy and the need for the here and now. Isn't action all about looking to the future? How can I be an active person - s0cially, intellectually, civically, physically, while not thinking about the future, not thinking about the fruits of my labor....or lack thereof? Here in lies the question.


And I am also in a parenting conundrum. I have an extremely strong minded, strong willed little four year old boy. He knows what he wants and if he doesn't get it he will not bend. He will throw himself down and lose it with no return. He will not listen to me. I feel completely helpless in these situations. I feel confused about how it is that I am this child's mother and he does not listen to what I say. I am not trying to win for the sake of winning, I am not trying to stop him from sharing his own views...but how in the world do you get a child to just allow a parent to lead. How do you institute that uggghhh, respect. I hate the concept of "respect thy elders". It sounds so militaristic and harsh. But I also agree with the concept. There are things to be said for age, wisdom and experience. How do we teach our young that without squelshing their own independence and the beauty of youthful, un-jaded thought?

How do I change the behavior of a four year old when I am stuck in my own rut? Ahhh...do you see the reflection of myself in that little, young soul. We are two peas in a pod.

Neverland

A 4:15 am nurse for Ruby motivated me to get up and watch the sunrise and go for a morning run. When this plan works out, it is absolutely blissful. Sometimes it is derailed by babies noticing the movement in molecules in the house and decide that 5am is a good time for everyone to get up...But, this morning Ruby went back to sleep with a full belly and I snuck out just in time to watch the sky turn pink and then orange at the town pier.

Well, again in true form of my life...I wrote the last paragraph two days ago and am just finishing this entry now. I didn't even have time to finish the word 'pier' when I left the computer the last time...a clear example of the way my life goes...hanging, unfinished sentences and words....every now and then Rex picks up on it. "Mom, what were you saying?" And he repeats what he heard me say verbatim, including the mumble that I am certain ended the sentence. And I can never respond with an accurate answer. "Was I saying something? I have no idea...sorry..." I forgot as soon as the last consonant tumbled from my lips.

Mama brain...it leaks constantly.

I am pretty sure that mama brain also has something to do with my being late to virtually everything. My lateness runs anywhere from 15 minutes to a full hour. It is truly embarrassing because the other mamas that plan to go to the same things seem to all get there. Some extremely on time, to the minute, maybe even being early! And they all seem to have the diapers, the snacks, the emergency change of clothes. So, my excuse is mama brain. Tony caught me in a full mama brain moment yesterday afternoon as I was trying to get us out the door to meet a friend for a late afternoon beer at an outdoor brewery (a date that you would think I would be early for considering my love of an outdoor beer on a sunny afternoon). I knew that i was going to be late when Ruby was still sleeping at 2:45. We were to meet Kate at 3pm and the Brewery is 10 minutes away. I was gathering items at a good clip; diapers, check, wipes, check, cloth bag to put dirty cloth diapers in, check, snacks, check, change of pants that could fit both Rex and Ruby to save room in bag, check...all the while desperately pressing redial to inform Kate we will be late. Then I am drawn to the pile of clothes that I have accumulated in the corner of my upstairs hallway...clothes that the children have outgrown and I have placed in bags to give to friends, clothes that I don't wear anymore...clothes that I refuse to see Tony where again that I secretly stash in order to drop off at the local thrift shop....I pick up a dress. This would look great on Kate..and then I am startled awake by a snap "Milja, focus!". And I was caught...mama brained off my own course of action....Another example in my life where I need a personal assistant. Someone to keep me on track and keep me from drifting off to neverland.

Round one...

So I have been intrigued by blogging for awhile now...it's been something that has slightly confounded me in that I am not quite sure of it's purpose...is it narcissistic to post what seemingly is your diary online for anyone who wants to read, or is it therapeutic and just another opportunity to share our humanness with others...it could be an opportunity to breakdown the assumptions and stereotypes we cast onto one another and ourselves and allow readable windows into our souls... I've always had a hard time writing in a diary for fear that it would never really be truly honest, uncensored, because I was concerned that someone might read it, find it, and see what the thoughts that I only utter silently to myself. But with a blog, it's out there, someone will read it, or that is the intent, so maybe it is more freeing when you just completely give up the fear. Or maybe no one will read it...is that another fear? That all of a sudden, you have put yourself out there and then no one cares. What a strange venue this is... I guess I'll give it a shot regardless of the questions, uncertainty, exposure, and potential egotistical glutton.

Where do I start...who am I? What am I doing right now? What sounds do I hear, smells? Well, I'm sitting at my computer, listening to the sound of running water as my son Rex and husband Tony shower after a dip in the Grande Pool down the road. I smell smoked salmon on my fingers from lunch (definitely the downside of eating lox - it sticks with you).
My niece who stayed the weekend with us is plucking at my son's guitar, my daughter is sleeping, and I am excitedly awaiting their departure so that I can have some "me" time... oh wait..just in usual fashion, my "me" time has been canceled as Rex no longer wants to take the 20 minute ride to drop off his cousin (can you blame him) and Ruby is still snoozing...But come on...can't I catch a break?

Well, at least it's date night tonight. An early evening night on the town with my man. Back early enough to put the kids to bed and not 'put out' the 'rents. A win-win combo. I may even go out tonight while Tony stays home with the kids - his suggestion..it is Adam White night after all. I will say however, that "going-out" no longer has the same luster as it once did. First, I don't know anyone out any more. I'm old compared to today's bar crowd. How I got old, I don't even know. Half the time I am shocked that I have birthed and am raising two children, have been in a relationship for 12 years, have a masters degree, but no paid work.. nuts! When did this all happen? With all this said, I still get carded and was mistaken for my children's teenage babysitter (who doesn't exist) by Tony's aunt the other day. There is a great lack of linear logic in my life. Secondly, the pay the next day is harsh. It leaves me with lots of "why's! Was it worth it? Never again!" And trying very hard to not be hungover snappy to my children, who are just being children, who want their mommy to play, read, listen, watch this, pick me up, put me down, change my diaper, feed me, nurse me, walk with me, hold my hands, play this with me and whatever you do, don't leave me.

Well, off to shower while the babes are momentarily zoned out to Pinky Dinky Doo. For a mama who never wanted her children to watch TV...I have a love for Noggin and a desperate need for two 30 min. shows a day.

signing off...